I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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