You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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