I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
