if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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