you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
