No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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