you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
