I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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