so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
