your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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