I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
