hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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