Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
