I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize