Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
