No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
