ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
