What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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