i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
