The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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