I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
