Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
