I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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