Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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