You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
