3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
