I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
