is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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