Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize