There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
