I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
