made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
