Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize