I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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