4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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