Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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