Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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