a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
