Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think my vagina is haunted
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
