woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
