I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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