i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
