he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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