woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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