totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize