I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
