he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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