I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
