surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize