btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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