When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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