you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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