So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
