But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
