Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
