I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
