I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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