thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
