she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
