Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
