that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
