The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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